I need to catch a break in life. I know there are many people worse off than me, but for me, I could really use something.
I'm so torn with things with him, is it going to work or not. Obviously no one knows if relationships will last, but ours has been so off and on and hard. I thought things were going well, but just like it can fall to the ground again. It's getting old, and hard.
I've also put a lot of work in lately applying for jobs. I have completed applications for 7 jobs, with my application almost finished for another 4 jobs. I'm hoping and praying that something will happen in the next week. I can't give up hope just yet. It's my final push to do something I want to do, to do more than I am now. To make me feel like I'm doing something with my life.
It's frustrating. I feel like my life is stuck in this place while all my friends are moving forward. A year post grad and I still feel like I'm in a transition period. Shouldn't that have been over already?
Praying, praying, praying!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Mission Trips
I had the opportunity to go on 3 mission trips when I was in high school and all of them were so rewarding in so many ways. Today at church I was taken back down memory lane about those trips as the current youth shared their experiences about their trip. It's funny (amazing) how 6 years and a new youth minister the trips seem so similar to mine. I love music, I'm not great at it, but I love it. I loved the times we got to sing together as a youth group, especially ending with the song Sanctuary. Today before communion, the youth got up there and sang that song, just as they did every night before bed, just as we used to.
I was so happy that they still go on Youthworks trips, they're awesome! The work we do while there and the connections made are like nothing you'll ever experience again, it's truly an amazing experience and one I'd like to do again someday. I can't even explain what those week long trips were like for me, but it was so nice to be reminded of that again today.
I was so happy that they still go on Youthworks trips, they're awesome! The work we do while there and the connections made are like nothing you'll ever experience again, it's truly an amazing experience and one I'd like to do again someday. I can't even explain what those week long trips were like for me, but it was so nice to be reminded of that again today.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Love...
I feel so behind in relationships compared to my friends. I am such a hopeless romantic and always thought I'd get married young, but I seem to be one of the last.
I have 1 friend that's married, 4 friends that are engaged, one that is living with her boyfriend of 2 years and ring is expected soon (I'm sure), one that got back together with an ex and is happier than ever, and 2 that are just starting a new relationship with feelings that are so real and they are so incredibly happy. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for all of them and support them in every way...truly. I love them all and think all of their men are great guys and right for them (although I have not met one, he seems great for and to her).
When will it be my turn? Maybe when I stop talking to my ex and going to Vegas with him? Haha...I know everything happens for a reason and this is just another curve in the road. Am I stupid for going on this trip? Maybe, but I won't know til after it's said in done. I don't have feelings for him at this point, so if it's totally not right, I have nothing to lose. I know one day it will be my turn and I truly can't wait to find that guy, who ever it may be. I will be treated amazing and live my happily ever after, one day, hopefully sooner rather than later....
I have 1 friend that's married, 4 friends that are engaged, one that is living with her boyfriend of 2 years and ring is expected soon (I'm sure), one that got back together with an ex and is happier than ever, and 2 that are just starting a new relationship with feelings that are so real and they are so incredibly happy. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for all of them and support them in every way...truly. I love them all and think all of their men are great guys and right for them (although I have not met one, he seems great for and to her).
When will it be my turn? Maybe when I stop talking to my ex and going to Vegas with him? Haha...I know everything happens for a reason and this is just another curve in the road. Am I stupid for going on this trip? Maybe, but I won't know til after it's said in done. I don't have feelings for him at this point, so if it's totally not right, I have nothing to lose. I know one day it will be my turn and I truly can't wait to find that guy, who ever it may be. I will be treated amazing and live my happily ever after, one day, hopefully sooner rather than later....
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friends and travel
Just a few days ago I was a bit down about my lack of keeping friendships alive in Iowa (which has changed and I got to see one and talk to another), but I am blessed with so much more as well.
I have had the opportunity to travel for mission trips, with friends, family and for sports. During some of these amazing trips I have met some pretty incredible friends...life long friends. We may have only spent a few days together, but it was enough to build an amazing friendship on.
The first time this happened was around my junior year. I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to play softball in Hawaii with a group of girls from around the country. Our team had some difficulties with our coach, and in the end made our team stronger. I still talk to a few of my teammates every once in awhile and we keep each other posted on big events, but the one that has lasted was not a team member. She was a girl from Wisconsin traveling with her mom and boyfriend (my parents went but we took different airlines from LA to Hawaii), and I was on my own. They took me under their wing and made sure I got there safely. We didn't see each other much during the week we were there, but enough to keep the friendship going. I have seen her only twice since then, but hope to this summer. We talk about once a month and I love the person she is! :)
The summer after my junior year, I had the opportunity to take a mission trip to West Virginia with my youth group. It was my third one in as many years, was quite different than others. We had more volunteers there then there was work for us to do (at VBS anyway). We also played a game to get to know each other and that started a friendship that means so much to me. She is a tall, blonde beauty! :) We didn't have much to do at the site, so we spent the time talking and getting to know each other. We were able to hang out quite a bit the rest of the week as well. We had so much in common and hit it off right away (sometimes I feel like I'm talking about a relationship with a guy, but nope, haha). I have been to her house (in IL) a few times and she has been to mine as well. We have seen each other about once a year since then, 6 years ago! :) She is amazing and such a good friend to have.
Then there is the most recent one...Heather. I met her in January on a cruise with our boyfriends (both of us are no longer with the guys). We met in the middle of the cruise and hung out every chance we could with each other. They were amazing and booked an excursion in Miami with us (and almost missed their flight) to spend more time with us and we had a great day...the four of us. We have talked almost everyday lately and are hopefully going to have a reunion soon. We helped each other through the break-ups, which were within days of each other, and now get to see each other happy and in her case, with an amazing guy. I only wish she didn't live in New York and was such a trip to visit her! :(
I love that all of us only spent a few days together, but made a connection to last a life time. I know everything happens for a reason and that all these amazing women were in the same place at the same time as me. :)
I am blessed with so many friends, all over the country. I also have my life long friendships from high school, as well as college. I am blessed to have some truly amazing friends. Each and everyone of them has helped me through something or other in this crazy life we lead and I wouldn't be where I am today without all of them. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes when life gets crazy and it doesn't always seem like things will last...
I have had the opportunity to travel for mission trips, with friends, family and for sports. During some of these amazing trips I have met some pretty incredible friends...life long friends. We may have only spent a few days together, but it was enough to build an amazing friendship on.
The first time this happened was around my junior year. I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to play softball in Hawaii with a group of girls from around the country. Our team had some difficulties with our coach, and in the end made our team stronger. I still talk to a few of my teammates every once in awhile and we keep each other posted on big events, but the one that has lasted was not a team member. She was a girl from Wisconsin traveling with her mom and boyfriend (my parents went but we took different airlines from LA to Hawaii), and I was on my own. They took me under their wing and made sure I got there safely. We didn't see each other much during the week we were there, but enough to keep the friendship going. I have seen her only twice since then, but hope to this summer. We talk about once a month and I love the person she is! :)
The summer after my junior year, I had the opportunity to take a mission trip to West Virginia with my youth group. It was my third one in as many years, was quite different than others. We had more volunteers there then there was work for us to do (at VBS anyway). We also played a game to get to know each other and that started a friendship that means so much to me. She is a tall, blonde beauty! :) We didn't have much to do at the site, so we spent the time talking and getting to know each other. We were able to hang out quite a bit the rest of the week as well. We had so much in common and hit it off right away (sometimes I feel like I'm talking about a relationship with a guy, but nope, haha). I have been to her house (in IL) a few times and she has been to mine as well. We have seen each other about once a year since then, 6 years ago! :) She is amazing and such a good friend to have.
Then there is the most recent one...Heather. I met her in January on a cruise with our boyfriends (both of us are no longer with the guys). We met in the middle of the cruise and hung out every chance we could with each other. They were amazing and booked an excursion in Miami with us (and almost missed their flight) to spend more time with us and we had a great day...the four of us. We have talked almost everyday lately and are hopefully going to have a reunion soon. We helped each other through the break-ups, which were within days of each other, and now get to see each other happy and in her case, with an amazing guy. I only wish she didn't live in New York and was such a trip to visit her! :(
I love that all of us only spent a few days together, but made a connection to last a life time. I know everything happens for a reason and that all these amazing women were in the same place at the same time as me. :)
I am blessed with so many friends, all over the country. I also have my life long friendships from high school, as well as college. I am blessed to have some truly amazing friends. Each and everyone of them has helped me through something or other in this crazy life we lead and I wouldn't be where I am today without all of them. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes when life gets crazy and it doesn't always seem like things will last...
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Can't have it all...
I miss my Iowa friends. I feel like I'm losing touch with them. When I'm in IA, I miss my friends at home, when I'm home I miss my friend in IA...I just can't have the best of both worlds! :( I'm scared I'll lose one of my closest friends down there because I'm not with him anymore, I hope that doesn't happen, but it will be hard for her to be with his best friend, be around him and still try to be in touch with me while we both move on. I ask people to get together every time I'm down there and it just never seems to work out.
I think some of this stems from seeing him this weekend, it confuses me every time. I know we are not right and will never work in the "forever" but it toys with my emotions. I don't want to stop talking to him, but at the same time I need to move on and be able to get into another relationship, whenever that comes.
I know I don't want to live in Iowa again, and this is where I need to be, but it's still hard to lose people I care about it...
I think some of this stems from seeing him this weekend, it confuses me every time. I know we are not right and will never work in the "forever" but it toys with my emotions. I don't want to stop talking to him, but at the same time I need to move on and be able to get into another relationship, whenever that comes.
I know I don't want to live in Iowa again, and this is where I need to be, but it's still hard to lose people I care about it...
Friday, June 17, 2011
Memories
A night filled with young memories of times when we thought we had it all figured out (and I know at 23 we definitely don't have it figured out still), but how life changes. A night reflecting on a friendship, relationships along the way and how life changes. It's always a great feeling to reflect and look back on the past. You realize how much you've grown, where you've come from and some hope for what the future holds and where it might take you. I can imagine what the future has for me, but I'm happy with where things are headed! :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Who are you??
This randomly came to my mind while driving, but what is most important for people to know about you? If you had 5 minutes with someone, what would you want them to know about you?
-i am a christian, but not one that likes to talk about faith and God much, it's more of a private thing for me.
-i am a vegetarian and happy about that, it makes me different.
-i hate the bar scene and all it has to offer (or lack there of). the loudness, the alcohol, the trashiness of it, blah blah blah.
-i am a dog lover. i would love to open a rescue shelter on a large farm.
-my dream job would be a labor and delivery nurse. there is nothing more amazing the process of a new life being brought into the world! :)
-on that same note, i can't wait to be pregnant, but i also have to be married first.
-i'm a hopeless romantic.
-my sister and brother are adopted and their lives have impacted me more than anything else in life.
-i'm a rule follower.
-i'm honest and wear my heart on my sleeve...i can't lie.
Those are the big things...i'm pretty happy with the person i am. :)
-i am a christian, but not one that likes to talk about faith and God much, it's more of a private thing for me.
-i am a vegetarian and happy about that, it makes me different.
-i hate the bar scene and all it has to offer (or lack there of). the loudness, the alcohol, the trashiness of it, blah blah blah.
-i am a dog lover. i would love to open a rescue shelter on a large farm.
-my dream job would be a labor and delivery nurse. there is nothing more amazing the process of a new life being brought into the world! :)
-on that same note, i can't wait to be pregnant, but i also have to be married first.
-i'm a hopeless romantic.
-my sister and brother are adopted and their lives have impacted me more than anything else in life.
-i'm a rule follower.
-i'm honest and wear my heart on my sleeve...i can't lie.
Those are the big things...i'm pretty happy with the person i am. :)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
F life sometimes
Life can be so fun and awarding sometimes and the next day it can be a big fucking bitch! The past 2 days have been that for me.
I was not asked to coach summer softball, and instead 2 dads are going to be doing it which pisses me off so much I can't even explain. I just want to cry thinking about it...and I have. But I don't want to. It hurts that it happened and I don't understand why, but at the same time I can't talk to them about it, it's so raw and painful.
My poor doggy is sick...again. I just wish we could find some answers to it. I don't like seeing her like this.
A simple text from a certain someone earlier in the day just asking how I was doing after last night would have helped a great deal as well. But it is what it is...
I was not asked to coach summer softball, and instead 2 dads are going to be doing it which pisses me off so much I can't even explain. I just want to cry thinking about it...and I have. But I don't want to. It hurts that it happened and I don't understand why, but at the same time I can't talk to them about it, it's so raw and painful.
My poor doggy is sick...again. I just wish we could find some answers to it. I don't like seeing her like this.
A simple text from a certain someone earlier in the day just asking how I was doing after last night would have helped a great deal as well. But it is what it is...
Monday, April 18, 2011
Telluride
"So high up on that mountain, I thought we'd never come down
It was a dream we were living in
And I was the happiest I'd ever been in
...In her eyes, my world came so alive"
It was a dream we were living in
And I was the happiest I'd ever been in
...In her eyes, my world came so alive"
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Happy :)
I am happy with life right now and can positively say this is where I need to be at this point in my life. Living at home is not my ideal situation, but I'll take it. I have a job, hopefully for the rest of the school year, I'm applying to new jobs for next year, I'm meeting new friends and get to see my "old" friends more often....life is good. My happiness depends on me right now (for the most part). I'm not more happy or upset because of a guy. I'll be upset if I don't get a job but I know I can sub, not ideal, but a job.
I know when the time is right the greatest guy will be placed in my life, but that's not right now. And I know when that comes my life will be filled with even more happiness.
Life is good! And God is good! :)
Oh, and of course I get to see those beautiful little girls more, and save up for the trip I so desperately want to take Nichole on.
I know when the time is right the greatest guy will be placed in my life, but that's not right now. And I know when that comes my life will be filled with even more happiness.
Life is good! And God is good! :)
Oh, and of course I get to see those beautiful little girls more, and save up for the trip I so desperately want to take Nichole on.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I have so much I want/need to do and can't motivate myself...
-i have about 10 jobs to apply for.
-my room is a disaster...I need to get throw so much away and unpack everything.
-i need to start working out and stop eating ice cream! :P
life is falling into place in some aspects, but i still have all this hanging over my head and will even better about everything when these start happening.
i do love where i'm working right now. people are so nice and i have so many old/lost and reconnected connections. it's like walking down memory lane, it's great! :)
-i have about 10 jobs to apply for.
-my room is a disaster...I need to get throw so much away and unpack everything.
-i need to start working out and stop eating ice cream! :P
life is falling into place in some aspects, but i still have all this hanging over my head and will even better about everything when these start happening.
i do love where i'm working right now. people are so nice and i have so many old/lost and reconnected connections. it's like walking down memory lane, it's great! :)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Questions...
(I'm too tired to answer these right now, but I thought it'd be fun for tomorrow, if I remember).
-what are your top three qualities you look for in a friend?
~Trust
~Honesty
~Someone that similar views to me and makes me a better person.
-what is your favorite sound?
~The sound of bball shoes on a gym floor.
~The sound of little girls running down the hall :)
~Trust
~Honesty
~Someone that similar views to me and makes me a better person.
-what is your favorite sound?
~The sound of bball shoes on a gym floor.
~The sound of little girls running down the hall :)
-what makes you feel secure?
~That's tough...My house maybe. I wish I had a guy to say he does, some day!
~That's tough...My house maybe. I wish I had a guy to say he does, some day!
-what’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next year?
~Find a full time job!
~Find a full time job!
-what was the most defining moment in your life in the past year?
~Moving back home. I finally stuck up for myself and what I wanted. The dreams are endless right now! :)
~Moving back home. I finally stuck up for myself and what I wanted. The dreams are endless right now! :)
-in one sentence, how would you describe your relationship with your mother? your father? siblings?
~Mother-We get along and talk about a lot, but nothing super personal!
~Father-We share a love of sports and get along great.
~Siblings-I will always wish there was something more between us...always.
~Mother-We get along and talk about a lot, but nothing super personal!
~Father-We share a love of sports and get along great.
~Siblings-I will always wish there was something more between us...always.
-what’s something new you recently learned about yourself?
~I can stand up for myself and I want I want.
~I can stand up for myself and I want I want.
-what would make you feel embarrassed in public?
~Tripping in front of a big crowd.
~Tripping in front of a big crowd.
-what color dominates your wardrobe?
~Black and blue.
~Black and blue.
-what was your greatest disappointment in life?
~The summer after graduation...enough said.
~The summer after graduation...enough said.
-what are you really bad at?
~Keeping my room clean!
~Keeping my room clean!
-what would you like to forgive and forget?
~Not really sure...
~Not really sure...
-what type of person angers you the most?
~People that pretend they know themselves but seem so lost and follow others.
~People that pretend they know themselves but seem so lost and follow others.
-what is your biggest pet peeve?
~People turning but don't use a blinker when in front of me. Semi's in the left lane.
~People turning but don't use a blinker when in front of me. Semi's in the left lane.
-what do you regret the most?
~Not going to school in MN.
~Not going to school in MN.
-what is the first thought that usually crosses your mind when you open your eyes in the morning?
~What time is it?
~What time is it?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
memories
What a priceless night. tonight i stayed up with one amazing person talking, reminiscing, remembering. a friendship built upon a road trip and heartbreak. a friendship that WILL last the test of time. talking about things from loss to love and everything in between. the times we were young and head over heels and how it'll never be the same. listening to music and how it fled us with memories. mat kearny (with only one t, mind you). we have come along way in 4 short years, with so much more to come. i. love. you.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Wants...
There are things in life right now that I'd love to have/do. Things I feel would make me happier about life right now. Most things I can take into my own hands and accomplish, I just need the motivation... :/
-Learn photography. I need the weather nice to just go out and take pictures.
-Work out and eat well. It's such a confidence booster.
-Read the Bible. I've wanted to do this for awhile...anyone wanna join me?
-An incredible man to appreciate me and make me a better person! This one could take awhile, but I know it'll happen one day (hopefully sooner rather than later).
-Being here in Northfield around people that truly know me and make me a better person. (I can check this one off the list, just a reminder that it's where I need to be right now).
-Oh yes, I need a job! I have one, I just need to get going on it and get some students. And some sub jobs. I hate not being productive and making money.
-Find a place of my own, or with a friend. That requires money, see above.
I just want to be fully happy again. I'm happy here, just need a little more. I'm not complaining because most of this is within my control, I just need to do it...
-Learn photography. I need the weather nice to just go out and take pictures.
-Work out and eat well. It's such a confidence booster.
-Read the Bible. I've wanted to do this for awhile...anyone wanna join me?
-An incredible man to appreciate me and make me a better person! This one could take awhile, but I know it'll happen one day (hopefully sooner rather than later).
-Being here in Northfield around people that truly know me and make me a better person. (I can check this one off the list, just a reminder that it's where I need to be right now).
-Oh yes, I need a job! I have one, I just need to get going on it and get some students. And some sub jobs. I hate not being productive and making money.
-Find a place of my own, or with a friend. That requires money, see above.
I just want to be fully happy again. I'm happy here, just need a little more. I'm not complaining because most of this is within my control, I just need to do it...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Sayings...
My aunt told me about a fun little shop in IL that has a page on fb and I've spent the last half hour looking at their pictures and falling absolutely in love with their sayings...
"If you want to feel rich, just count all the gifts you have that money can't buy."
"Find a heart that will love you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest."
"Commitment: the will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential...these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence."
"Humanity: if you planted hope today in any hopeless heart, if someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, if you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, if tonight your name was mentioned when someone kneels to pray, then your day was well spent."
"This is my wish for you: comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, sunsets to warm your heart, faith so that you can believe, laughter to kiss your lips, courage to know yourself, hugs when spirits sag, patience to accept the truth, beauty for your eyes to see, confidence for when you doubt, friendships to brighten your being, and love to complete your life."
"I believe in pink. i believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. i believe in kissing, kissing a lot. i believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. i believe that the happy girls are the prettiest girls. i believe that tomorrow is as new day and...(the rest was hidden :( )
"There is nothing on this earth to be more prized than true friendship."
"One person can make a difference, but everyone should try."
"My friends have made the story of my life."
"A friend is God's way of proving to us He doesn't want us walking alone."
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bees, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. live your life to the fullest potential. reach for your dreams."
"Remember when you go into the world to keep your eyes and ears wide open. be kind. love one another and take care of each other. tell the truth. always do your best. listen to the big people and the little people. explore new paths and have fun. know that you are loved like crazy. give thanks for all your blessings. above all else, love and you will do wonderful things in the world."
"What I want for you: a boy that would move the hair from your eyes. hold your hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. someone who would sing to you at random moments. a boy who would get mad at someone if they called you ugly or was mean to you. someone who would let you gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything you said. he would throw stuffed animals at you when you acted dumb and then kiss you a million times. he would take you to the park and put his hands around your waist and give you a big bear hug. he would tell all his friends about you and smile when he did it. you'd argue about silly things and then make up. i want a boy that would count stars with you. someone who would tell you you're beautiful, but not too often. who would make you laugh like no one else could. but mostly, i want someone who would be your best friend, and would never break your heart."
"If you want to feel rich, just count all the gifts you have that money can't buy."
"Find a heart that will love you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest."
"Commitment: the will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential...these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence."
"Humanity: if you planted hope today in any hopeless heart, if someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, if you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, if tonight your name was mentioned when someone kneels to pray, then your day was well spent."
"This is my wish for you: comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, sunsets to warm your heart, faith so that you can believe, laughter to kiss your lips, courage to know yourself, hugs when spirits sag, patience to accept the truth, beauty for your eyes to see, confidence for when you doubt, friendships to brighten your being, and love to complete your life."
"I believe in pink. i believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. i believe in kissing, kissing a lot. i believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. i believe that the happy girls are the prettiest girls. i believe that tomorrow is as new day and...(the rest was hidden :( )
"There is nothing on this earth to be more prized than true friendship."
"One person can make a difference, but everyone should try."
"My friends have made the story of my life."
"A friend is God's way of proving to us He doesn't want us walking alone."
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bees, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. live your life to the fullest potential. reach for your dreams."
"Remember when you go into the world to keep your eyes and ears wide open. be kind. love one another and take care of each other. tell the truth. always do your best. listen to the big people and the little people. explore new paths and have fun. know that you are loved like crazy. give thanks for all your blessings. above all else, love and you will do wonderful things in the world."
"What I want for you: a boy that would move the hair from your eyes. hold your hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. someone who would sing to you at random moments. a boy who would get mad at someone if they called you ugly or was mean to you. someone who would let you gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything you said. he would throw stuffed animals at you when you acted dumb and then kiss you a million times. he would take you to the park and put his hands around your waist and give you a big bear hug. he would tell all his friends about you and smile when he did it. you'd argue about silly things and then make up. i want a boy that would count stars with you. someone who would tell you you're beautiful, but not too often. who would make you laugh like no one else could. but mostly, i want someone who would be your best friend, and would never break your heart."
Monday, March 14, 2011
:)
I want what Brad and Emily have...bad! I think she is to die for! Like could she be any more perfect?!?!
I. mean. SERIOUSLY. look at these two!!!!!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
highs and lows...all in a day.
Life is such a roller coaster, today especially. I was high on life and felt like everything I was doing as of late was exactly what needed to be done. Talking and hanging out with some awesome people, a job interview, a job offer, job training, and a weekend at home by myself (well with the doggies of course). But as I sit here and make small talk with him, it brings back the doubts and the fears. As much as I tell myself that I'm over it and I want to move on and be here, talking to him and thinking about the hurt I'll cause him doesn't help. I am a people pleaser, always have been and always will be. It takes a lot for me to put others aside and make myself happy, which is exactly what all of this is. I'm doing things for me and most of the time it feels really right. But that other time, the time when I think of the hurt, it brings me right back down for the high. Tears can be shed and 2 minutes later I get a text from someone special telling me how much I mean to them, how proud of me they are and how they care. And it's for those reasons that I'm here, in this exact spot, figuring it all out.
Sara Evans
I have a slight obsession with Sara Evans and she just so happened to put a new cd out this past week.
Tell your boss maybe you’ll come back and maybe you won’t
Well in life sometimes people take chances
Most times they don’t
Don’t wanna sit on the side of the road
While our dreams pass me by
I’m sick of livin’ my life in park
I wanna live it in drive
Bleed Red
I love this song by Ronnie Dunn. I can't really say exactly why, it just speaks to me (to be completely corny).
If we’re fighting we’re both loosing
We’re just wasting our time
Because my scars they are your scars
And your world is mine
We’re just wasting our time
Because my scars they are your scars
And your world is mine
You and I
We all bleed red we all taste rain
All fall down loose our way
We all say words we regret
We all cry tears all bleed red
We all bleed red we all taste rain
All fall down loose our way
We all say words we regret
We all cry tears all bleed red
Friday, March 4, 2011
Quote
So I came across a quote on a famous person's page on facebook that I "like." It goes like this...
"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."
Could that be anymore fitting for me and my life right now? (And by the way, obviously change all the "hers" to "him").
Wow...
It's happening. Here I am less than two weeks after moving to Cedar Rapids, and I'm moving home. I'm heart broken yet happy at the same time. I feel like I can dream again, my own dreams. I've always thought wanting to be single and wanting to date other people was so stupid, but I find myself feeling those things lately. I don't want to be stuck here if I don't have to be. I always thought I'd be happy with him where ever it was we'd be, but I guess that's not true. I think deep down I always wanted to be in MN, it's home and it's where my heart is, truly. I will miss him and his company and the joy he did bring me, but I know this is what is meant to be.
I always said when I came to Central (and Iowa) and the crazy journey I took getting there that I was supposed to be here for a reason and I never knew that reason and probably still don't. I thought it was to find Adam and marry him and stay here for the rest of my life, but now I'm beginning to think it's to realize what home means to me and the people that are there. I can't beat the support I have there, there is nothing like lifelong relationships. Relationships where people have truly seen me grow into the person I am today and appreciate that person. The people at church, the girls I've coached, the teacher's that have influenced me and been role models, and of course my friends...my true true friends. I CANNOT begin to thank them and tell them how much they mean to me. They have been there for me to vent to, to lean on, to laugh with, and give me the words of encouragement through it all. I would not be who I am and where I am without them. I cannot wait to get home and hang out with them all the time, no more short weekend visits! And of course there are my little girls. I get to see them whenever I want and be back in their lives more regularly again. I get to pick Nichole up from school, take them for short stints of time, keep them overnight, do fun things with them whenever...I get to be their aunty again. Not their distant aunty, not the one that sees them every few weeks, I get to be there for them again ALL THE TIME!!! Ugh, it sounds so good.
I will miss Adam, I've said that, but this is what is best for me. Most of the time I'd say that love conquers all, my love for Adam (or my future husband). But I know Adam and I won't work, we have too many differences that keep coming up that we just can't get over. He's a great guy, hard working and goal driven and he'll succeed in life in so many ways, I know he will. He'll make a wife very happy someday, but I know I'm not that girl. He's got so much going for him in Iowa, his home, and this is the place for him. I feel terrible leaving him after moving, but I don't want to drag it on for either of us. A part of me will love him always, and I won't have any bad feelings towards him, he didn't do anything to hurt me. If anything, I hurt him. I think he knew all along that deep down, I wanted to be in MN, I think he knew it more than I did.
I can only hope and pray this is the right move for me. I think it is, I feel the opportunities are endless for me in MN.
I always said when I came to Central (and Iowa) and the crazy journey I took getting there that I was supposed to be here for a reason and I never knew that reason and probably still don't. I thought it was to find Adam and marry him and stay here for the rest of my life, but now I'm beginning to think it's to realize what home means to me and the people that are there. I can't beat the support I have there, there is nothing like lifelong relationships. Relationships where people have truly seen me grow into the person I am today and appreciate that person. The people at church, the girls I've coached, the teacher's that have influenced me and been role models, and of course my friends...my true true friends. I CANNOT begin to thank them and tell them how much they mean to me. They have been there for me to vent to, to lean on, to laugh with, and give me the words of encouragement through it all. I would not be who I am and where I am without them. I cannot wait to get home and hang out with them all the time, no more short weekend visits! And of course there are my little girls. I get to see them whenever I want and be back in their lives more regularly again. I get to pick Nichole up from school, take them for short stints of time, keep them overnight, do fun things with them whenever...I get to be their aunty again. Not their distant aunty, not the one that sees them every few weeks, I get to be there for them again ALL THE TIME!!! Ugh, it sounds so good.
I will miss Adam, I've said that, but this is what is best for me. Most of the time I'd say that love conquers all, my love for Adam (or my future husband). But I know Adam and I won't work, we have too many differences that keep coming up that we just can't get over. He's a great guy, hard working and goal driven and he'll succeed in life in so many ways, I know he will. He'll make a wife very happy someday, but I know I'm not that girl. He's got so much going for him in Iowa, his home, and this is the place for him. I feel terrible leaving him after moving, but I don't want to drag it on for either of us. A part of me will love him always, and I won't have any bad feelings towards him, he didn't do anything to hurt me. If anything, I hurt him. I think he knew all along that deep down, I wanted to be in MN, I think he knew it more than I did.
I can only hope and pray this is the right move for me. I think it is, I feel the opportunities are endless for me in MN.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Doubts
I have so many of them lately. So much unknown, so many questions about if this is the right thing and if it'll all work out. This aren't the thoughts and feelings I thought I'd be having this week after it all, but I feel even more distant from him, how can that be? How can it be when the physical miles between us is now 0, the emotional distance is enormous? I don't get it. So many new things to figure out and work on, something he doesn't realize (or so I believe). It's been one little thing after another, things I have let go but are just building in me and bubbling over right now. I hate it and I want to fix it, but...I have to wait one more day, go figure.
Friday, February 18, 2011
More Beautiful You- Jonny Diaz
More girls need to listen to this and truly take in the words and their meaning-including me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSkd8apbWM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSkd8apbWM
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Ever thought...
...About how different things could be had one circumstance turned out differently? The past 4-5 years have had change after change, decision after decision. What would my life be like now if...
i was still with my ex? my sister didn't have a baby the summer after I graduated high school? i went to central right after high school like I had originally planned? i never went to st. ben's. i never went to central at all. i never left minnesota. i started teaching after my college graduation. never nannied. never met adam. never got back together with adam. t
The list could go on and on. The reality is, I decided not to go to Central right away and took a winding road to it. I am SO happy i'm not with my ex, SO happy. i'm glad i didn't teach, because I wouldn't be able to move, i'd be stuck in that job until june. as for never leaving minnesota, i'm still dealing with that. i miss seeing my girls. i want to be there to cheer them on, help them with their homework, have sleep overs at my apartment with them, and just spoil them in every way i can. i know i can still do some of this, if not all of it, but it's different being this far away. i will ALWAYS be torn by it. life is hard, it's rewarding but i feel like i'm always giving something up for something new, something i think is right. i can always hope they are the right decisions but only time will tell.
i was still with my ex? my sister didn't have a baby the summer after I graduated high school? i went to central right after high school like I had originally planned? i never went to st. ben's. i never went to central at all. i never left minnesota. i started teaching after my college graduation. never nannied. never met adam. never got back together with adam. t
The list could go on and on. The reality is, I decided not to go to Central right away and took a winding road to it. I am SO happy i'm not with my ex, SO happy. i'm glad i didn't teach, because I wouldn't be able to move, i'd be stuck in that job until june. as for never leaving minnesota, i'm still dealing with that. i miss seeing my girls. i want to be there to cheer them on, help them with their homework, have sleep overs at my apartment with them, and just spoil them in every way i can. i know i can still do some of this, if not all of it, but it's different being this far away. i will ALWAYS be torn by it. life is hard, it's rewarding but i feel like i'm always giving something up for something new, something i think is right. i can always hope they are the right decisions but only time will tell.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Changes coming
So back when I was doing the 30 days of me posts, there was one titled "123 Things about Me." I never got to post this because I quit doing the "day" posts and I couldn't think of that many things about me, even working on it a little bit each day for a week. I'm going to post what I have, because I want to and to update things...
1. I love sunsets.
2. I want to get proposed to on the beach at sunset.
3. I want to stay up all night with my special someone and watch the sunrise.
4. I love peanut butter, honey and banana sandwiches.
5. I’m not afraid of spiders…I just kill them
6. I love dogs!
7. But not as much as I love my nieces!
8. I have a horrible memory. I forget so much!
9. I could sit around a campfire with a group of friends for days on end, there is something so calming about it. And some great conversations come out around a fire!
10The day I find out I’m pregnant will be THE HAPPIEST day of my LIFE! Until the little peanut is born of course!
11 I think pregnancy is the coolest thing ever!!! A life grows inside you and you push it out…It’s CRAZY, but holy amazing!
12 I love tattoos. I think they all tell a story.
13 Most people have a shoe problem, well I have a coat problem. I love coats and I could buy a new one every month!
14 My perfect job would be a stay at home mom! :)
15 I hate winter. Well, I just hate driving on snowy roads…especially when I drive from IA to MN.
16 I want to drop everything I’m currently doing and move and start over with a special someone.
17 I love to travel. Or maybe I just love sunny weather and beaches! Either way, I’m ready for a trip to a sunny, warm beach!
18 My senior year of high school was one of my favorite years of my young life.
19 I want to go back to being a kid. Where I had nothing to worry about and just had fun. There were no bills to worry about, no jobs, just fun.
20 I wish I could sing, truly sing. Gosh the lives you could touch.
21 I love music. Lyrics speak to me and I connect with them in so many ways.
22 The number 22 is my favorite number.
23 Other than 22, I have no likes or dislikes with other numbers.
24 It’s impossible to plan life. I’ve tried a few times and it hasn’t worked out, so just role with the punches.
25 I love my brown hair, but I really miss my blonde hair. I guess I’ll try and make it through the winter with the brown hair.
26 I sometimes miss my long hair too…Only because I miss being able to wear it curly and it looks cute. Now I actually have to straighten it to make it look cute.
27 I want to meet someone really famous someday and just talk to them. I’d love to meet J Simp, Jennifer Aniston, Carrie Underwood, Sara Evans, Andy Roddick, Lady Antebellum or Faith Hill, just to name a few! ;)
28 I’ve met Natasha Bedingfield.
29 I have the best friends. Each one of them brings something special to my life and helps me get through stuff times.
30 I want to redo my mission trips in high school. I made some awesome connections on those with people from Northfield and plenty from other places. I miss those friends.
31 I’ve kept in touch with one friend I met on a mission trip for 5 years, maybe 6. How cool is that!? J
32 I love keeping in touch with people that live far away.
33 I love the person I am, I think I have a lot going for me.
34 I have body issues and probably always will.
35 I don’t have a favorite store to shop at.
36 I hate shopping in department stores…for clothes anyway, it overwhelms me.
37 I love the show One Tree Hill.
38 I have been a poor fan lately though as I have missed the past like 5 weeks! :/
39 I wish I was artistic. I love art.
40 I want to take photography classes and be a photographer the rest of my life, professionally. I think catching the love between a couple, or the little moments in a babies young life, or the pure joy and happiness of a child is simply amazing. Something people hold onto forever!
41 I can’t wait to take Nichole to Disney World. She can’t stop talking about it and we don’t even have it planned. A promise I WILL fulfill it!
42I have an obsession with blogs. I think it’s so cool to read other’s feelings. I read a lot of widow blogs and military blogs because I can’t imagine being in those people’s shoes.
43 I get to see Carrie Underwood in concert, it’s going to be amazing!
44 I can’t wait to have my own place!
45 I want to make a difference in someone’s life.
46 I hope to be a coach someday, even if it’s just for little kids team!
47 I love that it’s Christmas time so I can watch Elf and Christmas Vacation.
48 I’m a vegetarian and on top of that I’m a picky eater. It can really be annoying sometimes haha.
49 I love having a tan in the summer. I’m obsessed with being tan. I hate being pasty white in the winter, but I also hate tanning in a bed.
50 I’ve also been told I can’t since I had a precancerous mole.
51 I love driving around with my windows down…in the summertime of course.
52 Daisy would love if we could have the windows down all the time! She loves having the wind blow her little beard around!
53 I want a room in my house full of the Live. Laugh. Love saying. Or maybe I’ll just have it all around my house!
54 I love inspirational sayings. They will be in my house!
55 I love pictures!
56 I love memories.
57 I love how every experience in life shapes the person you become. Even when the hardest times bring you down, you come out stronger.
58 Just a few weeks ago I thought I was over him…now I’m head over heels!
59 How can something that was once so wrong now be so right? It’s mind boggling.
60 I like my smile.
61 I get lots of comments on my white teeth, but I think they could be whiter, but I hate those whiting strips.
62 A road trip changed my life.
63 I love the sound of squeaky shoes on a basketball court.
64 I miss playing softball.
65 I can’t wait for my wedding day, whenever it may be.
66 I have trust issues because of a certain someone in my past.
67 I hate how complicated life can be sometimes.
68 I might have to give up on my dream/want of living in Minnesota and I’m slowly becoming okay with it.
69 The Carrie Underwood concert was the best concert I’ve ever been to.
70 I’ve been to between 20 and 30 concerts.
71 I hate that people feel the need to drink alcohol to have a good time.
72 I miss going to the fields with my dad and pitching.
73 I miss going to the gym with my dad and shooting some hoops.
74 I wish I would’ve treasured those moments more when I was doing them, realizing now how special they were and I’ll never get them back.
75 I’m ready to have my own place…especially if it’s in North Liberty, IA. J
76 Each of my friends means the world to me in their own way.
77 I have some amazing people in my life that have truly helped shape who I am today.
78 I already know who is going sing at my wedding and I’ve known for years.
79 I love all that MN has to offer.
80 This post has taken me about a week to write!
81 I miss my friendships from high school.
82 I’m excited to go home this weekend and see my girlies.
83 I get to decorate a real Christmas tree for the first time in years and I can’t wait.
84 I just reread this and realized that I’ve repeated some things, but that’s okay. I guess those things are just that important to me!
85 My trip to California was one of the best times of my life.
86 I want to be the role model for someone that I had growing up.
87 I want a new phone.
88 I hate that I can’t check my e-mail at work.
89 I can’t write without using proper punctuation and capitalization. I guess my English teacher’s did well!
90 I think I’ll make a great mom someday…I’ve pretty much had all the experience of a new mom without actually having a baby.
91 I’m having trouble with these last 20…
lkj
II didn't edit these... and they are from months ago. Since then, I have quit my job, found an apartment with Adam in Cedar Rapids and will be moving in 6 days. I am nervous, excited, sad, scared, etc. Scared because I don't have an income and more bills then I've had, not a good combo. Sad because I'll miss my babies and my grandma and the fact that I can see my family when they come down here to visit extended family. I'm scared I'm not gonna get to see my family as much. I'm nervous to what the move will bring. I'm excited to get to live with Adam, though. No more long distance, no more just weekend visits. Now we'll get to sleep next to each other every night, cook dinner together and just be together all the time. It's going to be different, but I'm excited for what it all means.
92
Saturday, January 8, 2011
life...
I know I wrote about the ups and downs of life before, i just feel like it again.
I feel like sometimes my man and i just have these ups and downs. We'll be so good for awhile and then we get in this rut of downs where we bicker all the time, can ever see eye to eye and just go through the motions. I HATE THIS!!! i absolutely HATE fighting with him, HATE it! I feel like we've been that way this past week and we leave on a paradise cruise in 2 freaking days. I know it'll be the time of our lives and we'll be fine, but I just want to figure the rest out and get over it. I think a lot of my it is my fault, I over react and i hate that about myself, one of my worst flaws. He has never given me any reason to not trust him or believe him. He has a funny way of telling me he cares sometimes, he jokes a lot, but sometimes I just need him to flat out tell me that I'm the best thing for him. Is it so hard? i mean I don't think so, but then again I'm a girl. but every girl needs to hear good things and boost their confidence, right? Ugh the circles of it all...
I feel like sometimes my man and i just have these ups and downs. We'll be so good for awhile and then we get in this rut of downs where we bicker all the time, can ever see eye to eye and just go through the motions. I HATE THIS!!! i absolutely HATE fighting with him, HATE it! I feel like we've been that way this past week and we leave on a paradise cruise in 2 freaking days. I know it'll be the time of our lives and we'll be fine, but I just want to figure the rest out and get over it. I think a lot of my it is my fault, I over react and i hate that about myself, one of my worst flaws. He has never given me any reason to not trust him or believe him. He has a funny way of telling me he cares sometimes, he jokes a lot, but sometimes I just need him to flat out tell me that I'm the best thing for him. Is it so hard? i mean I don't think so, but then again I'm a girl. but every girl needs to hear good things and boost their confidence, right? Ugh the circles of it all...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
If We Loved...
This song by Chuck Wicks might be one of my all time favorites. It's not one I put on repeat and listen to it over and over, but when it comes on the shuffle I'll repeat it a time or two. The lyrics are so powerful, and if only it could happen...
The prisons are empty
The homeless have houses
Nobody’s hungry
Nobody’s poor
Nobody’s judged by their faith or their color
Nobody’s wrong in this world without war
We buried our swords
We don’t fight anymore
You can’t imagine all the mountains we’d move if we loved
If we loved a little harder
Yea, there’s no telling all the walls we’d break through
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Nobody’s lonely, used, or neglected
Children are cherished from the day that they’re born
Even a stranger’s never a stranger
No bars on the windows
No locks on our doors
Cuz we open our doors
Not afraid anymore
You can’t imagine all the mountains we’d move if we loved
If we loved a little harder
Yea, there’s no telling all the walls we’d break through
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Just think of how much better off we’d be
If we open up our hearts
If we believe
You can’t imagine all the mountains we’d move if we loved
If we loved a little harder
Yea, there’s no telling all the walls we’d break through
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Ohhhhh
If we loved
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Just saw a proactiv commercial as I was posting this and it had Julianne Hough on it...If only those two were still together, they were so adorable! :)
The prisons are empty
The homeless have houses
Nobody’s hungry
Nobody’s poor
Nobody’s judged by their faith or their color
Nobody’s wrong in this world without war
We buried our swords
We don’t fight anymore
You can’t imagine all the mountains we’d move if we loved
If we loved a little harder
Yea, there’s no telling all the walls we’d break through
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Nobody’s lonely, used, or neglected
Children are cherished from the day that they’re born
Even a stranger’s never a stranger
No bars on the windows
No locks on our doors
Cuz we open our doors
Not afraid anymore
You can’t imagine all the mountains we’d move if we loved
If we loved a little harder
Yea, there’s no telling all the walls we’d break through
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Just think of how much better off we’d be
If we open up our hearts
If we believe
You can’t imagine all the mountains we’d move if we loved
If we loved a little harder
Yea, there’s no telling all the walls we’d break through
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Ohhhhh
If we loved
If we loved
If we loved a little harder
Just saw a proactiv commercial as I was posting this and it had Julianne Hough on it...If only those two were still together, they were so adorable! :)
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