memories

What a priceless night.  tonight i stayed up with one amazing person talking, reminiscing, remembering.  a friendship built upon a road trip and heartbreak. a friendship that WILL last the test of time.  talking about things from loss to love and everything in between.  the times we were young and head over heels and how it'll never be the same.  listening to music and how it fled us with memories.  mat kearny (with only one t, mind you).  we have come along way in 4 short years, with so much more to come.  i. love. you.

"If i were Boy 
I think I could understand 
how it feels to love a girl 
I swear I'd be a better man 
I'd listen to her 
Cuz I know how it hurts 
When you lose the one you wanted 
Cuz he's taking you for granted 
and everything you had got destroyed"

Wants...

There are things in life right now that I'd love to have/do.  Things I feel would make me happier about life right now.  Most things I can take into my own hands and accomplish, I just need the motivation... :/

-Learn photography. I need the weather nice to just go out and take pictures.
-Work out and eat well.  It's such a confidence booster.
-Read the Bible.  I've wanted to do this for awhile...anyone wanna join me?
-An incredible man to appreciate me and make me a better person! This one could take awhile, but I know it'll happen one day (hopefully sooner rather than later).
-Being here in Northfield around people that truly know me and make me a better person.  (I can check this one off the list, just a reminder that it's where I need to be right now).
-Oh yes, I  need a job! I have one, I just need to get going on it and get some students.  And some sub jobs.  I hate not being productive and making money.
-Find a place of my own, or with a friend.  That requires money, see above.

I just want to be fully happy again.  I'm happy here, just need a little more.  I'm not complaining because most of this is within my control, I just need to do it...

Sayings...

My aunt told me about a fun little shop in IL that has a page on fb and I've spent the last half hour looking at their pictures and falling absolutely in love with their sayings...

"If you want to feel rich, just count all the gifts you have that money can't buy."

"Find a heart that will love you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest."

"Commitment: the will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential...these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence."

"Humanity: if you planted hope today in any hopeless heart, if someone's burden was lighter  because you did your part, if you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, if tonight your name was mentioned when someone kneels to pray, then your day was well spent."

"This is my wish for you: comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, sunsets to warm your heart, faith so that you can believe, laughter to kiss your lips, courage to know yourself, hugs when spirits sag, patience to accept the truth, beauty for your eyes to see, confidence for when you doubt, friendships to brighten your being, and love to complete your life."

"I believe in pink. i believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. i believe in kissing, kissing a lot. i believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. i believe that the happy girls are the prettiest girls. i believe that tomorrow is as new day and...(the rest was hidden :( )

"There is nothing on this earth to be more prized than true friendship."

"One person can make a difference, but everyone should try."

"My friends have made the story of my life."

"A friend is God's way of proving to us He doesn't want us walking alone."

"Life is full of beauty.  Notice it.  Notice the bumble bees, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. live your life to the fullest potential. reach for your dreams."

"Remember when you go into the world to keep your eyes and ears wide open. be kind. love one another and take care of each other. tell the truth. always do your best. listen to the big people and the little people. explore new paths and have fun. know that you are loved like crazy. give thanks for all your blessings. above all else, love and you will do wonderful things in the world."

"What I want for you: a boy that would move the hair from your eyes. hold your hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous.  someone who would sing to you at random moments.  a boy who would get mad at someone if they called you ugly or was mean to you. someone who would let you gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything you said.  he would throw stuffed animals at you when you acted dumb and then kiss you a million times.  he would take you to the park and put his hands around your waist and give you a big bear hug.  he would tell all his friends about you and smile when he did it.  you'd argue about silly things and then make up.  i want a boy that would count stars with you. someone who would tell you you're beautiful, but not too often.  who would make you laugh like no one else could.  but mostly, i want someone who would be your best friend, and would never break your heart."

:)

I want what Brad and Emily have...bad! I think she is to die for!  Like could she be any more perfect?!?!

I. mean. SERIOUSLY. look at these two!!!!!!

highs and lows...all in a day.

Life is such a roller coaster, today especially.  I was high on life and felt like everything I was doing as of late was exactly what needed to be done.  Talking and hanging out with some awesome people, a job interview, a job offer, job training, and a weekend at home by myself (well with the doggies of course).  But as I sit here and make small talk with him, it brings back the doubts and the fears.  As much as I tell myself that I'm over it and I want to move on and be here, talking to him and thinking about the hurt I'll cause him doesn't help.  I am a people pleaser, always have been and always will be.  It takes a lot for me to put others aside and make myself happy, which is exactly what all of this is.  I'm doing things for me and most of the time it feels really right.  But that other time, the time when I think of the hurt, it brings me right back down for the high.  Tears can be shed and 2 minutes later I get a text from someone special telling me how much I mean to them, how proud of me they are and how they care.  And it's for those reasons that I'm here, in this exact spot, figuring it all out.

Sara Evans

I have a slight obsession with Sara Evans and she just so happened to put a new cd out this past week.

Tell your boss maybe you’ll come back and maybe you won’t

Well in life sometimes people take chances

Most times they don’t

Don’t wanna sit on the side of the road

While our dreams pass me by

I’m sick of livin’ my life in park

I wanna live it in drive

Bleed Red

I love this song by Ronnie Dunn.  I can't really say exactly why, it just speaks to me (to be completely corny).

If we’re fighting we’re both loosing
We’re just wasting our time
Because my scars they are your scars
And your world is mine

You and I
We all bleed red we all taste rain
All fall down loose our way
We all say words we regret
We all cry tears all bleed red

Quote

So I came across a quote on a famous person's page on facebook that I "like." It goes like this...

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else." 

Could that be anymore fitting for me and my life right now? (And by the way, obviously change all the "hers" to "him"). 

Wow...

It's happening.  Here I am less than two weeks after moving to Cedar Rapids, and I'm moving home.  I'm heart broken yet happy at the same time.  I feel like I can dream again, my own dreams.  I've always thought wanting to be single and wanting to date other people was so stupid, but I find myself feeling those things lately.  I don't want to be stuck here if I don't have to be.  I always thought I'd be happy with him where ever it was we'd be, but I guess that's not true.  I think deep down I always wanted to be in MN, it's home and it's where my heart is, truly. I will miss him and his company and the joy he did bring me, but I know this is what is meant to be.

I always said when I came to Central (and Iowa) and the crazy journey I took getting there that I was supposed to be here for a reason and I never knew that reason and probably still don't.  I thought it was to find Adam and marry him and stay here for the rest of my life, but now I'm beginning to think it's to realize what home means to me and the people that are there.  I can't beat the support I have there, there is nothing like lifelong relationships.  Relationships where people have truly seen me grow into the person I am today and appreciate that person.  The people at church, the girls I've coached, the teacher's that have influenced me and been role models, and of course my friends...my true true friends.  I CANNOT begin to thank them and tell them how much they mean to me.  They have been there for me to vent to, to lean on, to laugh with, and give me the words of encouragement through it all.  I would not be who I am and where I am without them.  I cannot wait to get home and hang out with them all the time, no more short weekend visits!  And of course there are my little girls. I get to see them whenever I want and be back in their lives more regularly again.  I get to pick Nichole up from school, take them for short stints of time, keep them overnight, do fun things with them whenever...I get to be their aunty again.  Not their distant aunty, not the one that sees them every few weeks, I get to be there for them again ALL THE TIME!!! Ugh, it sounds so good.

I will miss Adam, I've said that, but this is what is best for me.  Most of the time I'd say that love conquers all, my love for Adam (or my future husband).  But I know Adam and I won't work, we have too many differences that keep coming up that we just can't get over.  He's a great guy, hard working and goal driven and he'll succeed in life in so many ways, I know he will.  He'll make a wife very happy someday, but I know I'm not that girl.  He's got so much going for him in Iowa, his home, and this is the place for him.  I feel terrible leaving him after moving, but I don't want to drag it on for either of us.  A part of me will love him always, and I won't have any bad feelings towards him, he didn't do anything to hurt me.  If anything, I hurt him.  I think he knew all along that deep down, I wanted to be in MN, I think he knew it more than I did.

I can only hope and pray this is the right move for me.  I think it is, I feel the opportunities are endless for me in MN.