Doubts

I have so many of them lately.  So much unknown, so many questions about if this is the right thing and if it'll all work out.  This aren't the thoughts and feelings I thought I'd be having this week after it all, but I feel even more distant from him, how can that be?  How can it be when the physical miles between us is now 0, the emotional distance is enormous?   I don't get it.  So many new things to figure out and work on, something he doesn't realize (or so I believe).  It's been one little thing after another, things I have let go but are just building in me and bubbling over right now.  I hate it and I want to fix it, but...I have to wait one more day, go figure.

More Beautiful You- Jonny Diaz

More girls need to listen to this and truly take in the words and their meaning-including me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSkd8apbWM

Ever thought...

...About how different things could be had one circumstance turned out differently?  The past 4-5 years have had change after change, decision after decision.  What would my life be like now if...

i was still with my ex?  my sister didn't have a baby the summer after I graduated high school? i went to central right after high school like I had originally planned?  i never went to st. ben's.  i never went to central at all.  i never left minnesota. i started teaching after my college graduation. never nannied. never met adam.  never got back together with adam.  t

The list could go on and on.  The reality is, I decided not to go to Central right away and took a winding road to it.  I am SO happy i'm not with my ex, SO happy.  i'm glad i didn't teach, because I wouldn't be able to move, i'd be stuck in that job until june.  as for never leaving minnesota, i'm still dealing with that.  i miss seeing my girls.  i want to be there to cheer them on, help them with their homework, have sleep overs at my apartment with them, and just spoil them in every way i can. i know i can still do some of this, if not all of it, but it's different being this far away.  i will ALWAYS be torn by it.  life is hard, it's rewarding  but i feel like i'm always giving something up for something new, something i think is right.  i can always hope they are the right decisions but only time will tell.

Changes coming

So back when I was doing the 30 days of me posts, there was one titled "123 Things about Me."  I never got to post this because I quit doing the "day" posts and I couldn't think of that many things about me, even working on it a little bit each day for a week.  I'm going to post what I have, because I want to and to update things...

1.     I love sunsets.

2.     I want to get proposed to on the beach at sunset.

3.     I want to stay up all night with my special someone and watch the sunrise.

4.     I love peanut butter, honey and banana sandwiches.

5.     I’m not afraid of spiders…I just kill them 

6.     I love dogs!

7.     But not as much as I love my nieces! 

8.     I have a horrible memory. I forget so much!

9.     I could sit around a campfire with a group of friends for days on end, there is something so calming about it.  And some great conversations come out around a fire!

10The day I find out I’m pregnant will be THE HAPPIEST day of my LIFE! Until the little peanut is born of course!

11 I think pregnancy is the coolest thing ever!!! A life grows inside you and you push it out…It’s CRAZY, but holy amazing!

12 I love tattoos.  I think they all tell a story.

13 Most people have a shoe problem, well I have a coat problem.  I love coats and I could buy a new one every month!

14 My perfect job would be a stay at home mom! :)

15 I hate winter. Well, I just hate driving on snowy roads…especially when I drive from IA to MN.

16 I want to drop everything I’m currently doing and move and start over with a special someone.

17 I love to travel. Or maybe I just love sunny weather and beaches! Either way, I’m ready for a trip to a sunny, warm beach!

18 My senior year of high school was one of my favorite years of my young life. 

19 I want to go back to being a kid.  Where I had nothing to worry about and just had fun.  There were no bills to worry about, no jobs, just fun.

20 I wish I could sing, truly sing.  Gosh the lives you could touch.

21 I love music.  Lyrics speak to me and I connect with them in so many ways.

22 The number 22 is my favorite number.

23 Other than 22, I have no likes or dislikes with other numbers. 

24 It’s impossible to plan life.  I’ve tried a few times and it hasn’t worked out, so just role with the punches.

25 I love my brown hair, but I really miss my blonde hair.  I guess I’ll try and make it through the winter with the brown hair.

26 I sometimes miss my long hair too…Only because I miss being able to wear it curly and it looks cute.  Now I actually have to straighten it to make it look cute.

27 I want to meet someone really famous someday and just talk to them.  I’d love to meet J Simp, Jennifer Aniston, Carrie Underwood, Sara Evans, Andy Roddick, Lady Antebellum or Faith Hill, just to name a few! ;)

28 I’ve met Natasha Bedingfield.

29 I have the best friends.  Each one of them brings something special to my life and helps me get through stuff times.

30 I want to redo my mission trips in high school.  I made some awesome connections on those with people from Northfield and plenty from other places.  I miss those friends.

31 I’ve kept in touch with one friend I met on a mission trip for 5 years, maybe 6.  How cool is that!? J

32 I love keeping in touch with people that live far away.

33 I love the person I am, I think I have a lot going for me.

34 I have body issues and probably always will.

35 I don’t have a favorite store to shop at.

36 I hate shopping in department stores…for clothes anyway, it overwhelms me.

37 I love the show One Tree Hill.

38 I have been a poor fan lately though as I have missed the past like 5 weeks! :/

39 I wish I was artistic.  I love art.

40 I want to take photography classes and be a photographer the rest of my life, professionally.  I think catching the love between a couple, or the little moments in a babies young life, or the pure joy and happiness of a child is simply amazing.  Something people hold onto forever!

41 I can’t wait to take Nichole to Disney World.  She can’t stop talking about it and we don’t even have it planned.  A promise I WILL fulfill it!

42I have an obsession with blogs.  I think it’s so cool to read other’s feelings.  I read a lot of widow blogs and military blogs because I can’t imagine being in those people’s shoes.

43 I get to see Carrie Underwood in concert, it’s going to be amazing!

44 I can’t wait to have my own place!

45 I want to make a difference in someone’s life.

46 I hope to be a coach someday, even if it’s just for little kids team!

47 I love that it’s Christmas time so I can watch Elf and Christmas Vacation.

48 I’m a vegetarian and on top of that I’m a picky eater.  It can really be annoying sometimes haha.

49 I love having a tan in the summer.  I’m obsessed with being tan.  I hate being pasty white in the winter, but I also hate tanning in a bed.

50 I’ve also been told I can’t since I had a precancerous mole.

51 I love driving around with my windows down…in the summertime of course.

52 Daisy would love if we could have the windows down all the time! She loves having the wind blow her little beard around!

53 I want a room in my house full of the Live. Laugh. Love saying.  Or maybe I’ll just have it all around my house!

54 I love inspirational sayings.  They will be in my house!

55 I love pictures!

56 I love memories.

57 I love how every experience in life shapes the person you become.  Even when the hardest times bring you down, you come out stronger.

58 Just a few weeks ago I thought I was over him…now I’m head over heels!

59 How can something that was once so wrong now be so right?  It’s mind boggling.

60 I like my smile.

61 I get lots of comments on my white teeth, but I think they could be whiter, but I hate those whiting strips.

62 A road trip changed my life.

63 I love the sound of squeaky shoes on a basketball court.

64 I miss playing softball.

65 I can’t wait for my wedding day, whenever it may be.

66 I have trust issues because of a certain someone in my past.

67 I hate how complicated life can be sometimes.

68 I might have to give up on my dream/want of living in Minnesota and I’m slowly becoming okay with it.

69 The Carrie Underwood concert was the best concert I’ve ever been to.

70 I’ve been to between 20 and 30 concerts.

71 I hate that people feel the need to drink alcohol to have a good time.

72 I miss going to the fields with my dad and pitching.

73 I miss going to the gym with my dad and shooting some hoops.

74 I wish I would’ve treasured those moments more when I was doing them, realizing now how special they were and I’ll never get them back.

75 I’m ready to have my own place…especially if it’s in North Liberty, IA. J

76 Each of my friends means the world to me in their own way.

77 I have some amazing people in my life that have truly helped shape who I am today.

78 I already know who is going sing at my wedding and I’ve known for years.

79 I love all that MN has to offer.

80 This post has taken me about a week to write!

81 I miss my friendships from high school.

82 I’m excited to go home this weekend and see my girlies.

83 I get to decorate a real Christmas tree for the first time in years and I can’t wait.

84 I just reread this and realized that I’ve repeated some things, but that’s okay.   I guess those things are just that important to me!

85 My trip to California was one of the best times of my life.

86 I want to be the role model for someone that I had growing up.

87 I want a new phone.

88 I hate that I can’t check my e-mail at work.

89 I can’t write without using proper punctuation and capitalization.  I guess my English teacher’s did well!

90 I think I’ll make a great mom someday…I’ve pretty much had all the experience of a new mom without actually having a baby.

91 I’m having trouble with these last 20…

lkj

II didn't edit these... and they are from months ago.  Since then, I have quit my job, found an apartment with Adam in Cedar Rapids and will be moving in 6 days.  I am nervous, excited, sad, scared, etc. Scared because I don't have an income and more bills then I've had, not a good combo.  Sad because I'll miss my babies and my grandma and the fact that I can see my family when they come down here to visit extended family. I'm scared I'm not gonna get to see my family as much.  I'm nervous to what the move will bring.  I'm excited to get to live with Adam, though.  No more long distance, no more just weekend visits.  Now we'll get to sleep next to each other every night, cook dinner together and just be together all the time.  It's going to be different, but I'm excited for what it all means.  

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