Wow...

It's happening.  Here I am less than two weeks after moving to Cedar Rapids, and I'm moving home.  I'm heart broken yet happy at the same time.  I feel like I can dream again, my own dreams.  I've always thought wanting to be single and wanting to date other people was so stupid, but I find myself feeling those things lately.  I don't want to be stuck here if I don't have to be.  I always thought I'd be happy with him where ever it was we'd be, but I guess that's not true.  I think deep down I always wanted to be in MN, it's home and it's where my heart is, truly. I will miss him and his company and the joy he did bring me, but I know this is what is meant to be.

I always said when I came to Central (and Iowa) and the crazy journey I took getting there that I was supposed to be here for a reason and I never knew that reason and probably still don't.  I thought it was to find Adam and marry him and stay here for the rest of my life, but now I'm beginning to think it's to realize what home means to me and the people that are there.  I can't beat the support I have there, there is nothing like lifelong relationships.  Relationships where people have truly seen me grow into the person I am today and appreciate that person.  The people at church, the girls I've coached, the teacher's that have influenced me and been role models, and of course my friends...my true true friends.  I CANNOT begin to thank them and tell them how much they mean to me.  They have been there for me to vent to, to lean on, to laugh with, and give me the words of encouragement through it all.  I would not be who I am and where I am without them.  I cannot wait to get home and hang out with them all the time, no more short weekend visits!  And of course there are my little girls. I get to see them whenever I want and be back in their lives more regularly again.  I get to pick Nichole up from school, take them for short stints of time, keep them overnight, do fun things with them whenever...I get to be their aunty again.  Not their distant aunty, not the one that sees them every few weeks, I get to be there for them again ALL THE TIME!!! Ugh, it sounds so good.

I will miss Adam, I've said that, but this is what is best for me.  Most of the time I'd say that love conquers all, my love for Adam (or my future husband).  But I know Adam and I won't work, we have too many differences that keep coming up that we just can't get over.  He's a great guy, hard working and goal driven and he'll succeed in life in so many ways, I know he will.  He'll make a wife very happy someday, but I know I'm not that girl.  He's got so much going for him in Iowa, his home, and this is the place for him.  I feel terrible leaving him after moving, but I don't want to drag it on for either of us.  A part of me will love him always, and I won't have any bad feelings towards him, he didn't do anything to hurt me.  If anything, I hurt him.  I think he knew all along that deep down, I wanted to be in MN, I think he knew it more than I did.

I can only hope and pray this is the right move for me.  I think it is, I feel the opportunities are endless for me in MN.